Really living the Continuum

Ok, this is going to upset some people. I've been thinking a lot about how much we're really living in a way true to our human continuum and how we can reconcile it with the society we live in without having to move to the wilderness (although I'm often tempted). So a few days ago on a continuum concept inspired facebook group there was a suggestion that we have a get together for a summer break. Great! I immediately said we would go. Many comments later I realized that it would mainly be the mothers and this children with the partners not interested in going. Maybe I'm just lucky in the sense that my partner is very much a part of a continuum family unit, he sleeps with Mr Baby and carries him as well as being interested in all the books I have read and wanting to experience a different type of parenting from the one we had. We were keen to see how other families were doing it and were very surprised to see that, at least in the UK, it just seems to be the mums doing it. But doesn't that defy the point? A big part of the book was that women should not bring children up in isolation, so if women in the UK are still being left at home alone all day, it's great we're breastfeeding, babywearing and co-sleeping but shouldn't we call it just Attachment Parenting? Saying that we are Continuum families is just not correct. That probably applies to me as well, even though I have a like minded partner we are still a nuclear family (the rest of my family is in Italy and my partner's in Sussex) so my children are not part of a supportive tribe.

Stone age babies

I read something that really touched me this evening in Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson. Namely that we have come a long way, women now can go for the jobs they want, there is no shortage of childcare arrangements, we live in a modern age. Except for the fact that we give birth to stone age babies whose instincts ask us to hold them close (preferably all the time) day and night and who want to sleep between the two bodies who gave them life in the first place.
This reminds me of when I was reading The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins and I realized that our genes are possibly millions of years old, evolution takes a very long time and our babies will be born expecting the same treatment as if they were born in a jungle, a cave, whatever... So to them being alone means that their life is in danger, no wonder they want to be kept as close as possible.

Disjointed

Feeling very disjointed today, we've all been ill a lot and my two little ones wake up a few times in the night so I'm not sleeping properly. With this being Christmas week I feel I should be doing all these wonderful things like baking and decorating and arts and crafts with the kids but in reality I'm pretty much tired all the time and am behind with the laundry not to mention my Universtiy course... I feel rather alone (but not too much as my partner is wonderful, but when we're ill or need help it's just us...) and miss having a big family around me.

New carrier!!

Done it again! Got a new baby carrier, arrived in the post today and we absolutely love it! It's the best one yet. It's an Ergo (organic fashion range) and is softer than the Oh Snap but more structured than the Connecta, so we're all happy bunnies.

Co-sleeping little ones

Amazingly they never woke each other up!

Research against controlled crying and cry it out

Found a facebook page with lots of links on articles and reseach showing how and why cc and cio are harmful (if it wasn't obvious... more than a few seconds of mr baby crying and I feel like crying myself)

http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=51979053447&topic=8773

Co-sleeping definition

Sorry for pinching your cartoon Heather, it was just too good!!!

No nursery for us

I had a conversation recently with a friend who told me I am entitled to 15 hours free of charge for Mr Toddler to attend preschool when he is 3 years old (in January) so she thought it would be nice for me to have a few hours a day to myself. Friends and family in Italy have also mentioned that it's time he was in nursery (just a few hours in the morning) and that he would probably enjoy it.
Well, I don't feel the same. Everyone who has given me this information and advice is very sweet and means well but I just don't want him to go to nursery, preschool, whatever, to be honest I'll struggle when he has to go to school!
Why? Two reasons. The first is me! I absolutely love his company, he's a wonderful little person and I don't like it when he's not around, he is very good at independent play and I have never had trouble doing housework, reading, computer work, whatever, with him in the house. In fact he often follows me around and tries to help (even if it's blowing bubbles when I do the washing up). So what are all these things that I need to do on my own? I'm not sure, I've taken the little ones pretty much everywhere I needed to go. And luckily I don't need to go back to work right now.
The second is that I think he's too young to be on his own, yes he loves playing with other kids and group activities but we do something like this every day (playgroups, swimming, activity groups) and if he gets upset or hurts himself I am there for him, I can't imagine him getting upset and me not being there. Yes he will be looked after, but just looked after, no one there will love him and cherish him. So I think this is what it comes down to, like Mr Winnicott said, children need to feel like little gods to build up good self esteem, they need to feel that the world is a safe and comfy place where all their needs are met, when they grow up they will find that it's probably not so nice, but they will carry that peaceful inner world with them and it will help in times of stress.
And who else is going to give Mr Toddler all this? Not some stranger as qualified and sweet as she might be, I feel that we are still very much attached to each other, when the time comes to move apart it will happen naturally, but for the time being me and Mr Toddler as still very much rowing the same boat.

What is attachment?

I haven't written here lately as we all became very ill after coming back from holiday, and I mean real horrendous flu with high temperature, throat infections, you name it!

I came across this video by Attachment Parenting International a couple of weeks ago and it made me cry it's so lovely. What is attachment?

I told you to...

Today I slipped into traditional parent mode for a minute and the results were very interesting. We're in Cumbria and due to the snow we couldn't do any walking with the little ones or much driving to the various attractions. So the next best thing was a boat ride up and down the lake. A bit cold but lovely, Mr Toddler entertained himself with a bucket (...) when he got bored of looking at the snow. When it was time to get off the boat Mr Toddler got a bit upset as there was a lot of slippery ice on deck and asked for his special blanket, this was in my bag and I couldn't reach it as I also had Mr Baby in a carrier. So by the time we got off the boat and reached the boathouse he was a little desperate, we got the blanket out and he started dragging it across the very dirty floor. I was tired and struggling to get the two little ones back to the car through the slippery path so started telling him to pick the blanket up, to hold it properly. Nothing. The blanket is still being dragged across the snow, I try to pick it up for him. Screams ensue: "It's my blanket!!!!!" and unthinkingly I keep saying: "Come on, pick the blanket up!" to no avail.
Finally the penny drops. I've been encouraging him to make his own decisions and to understand consequences for himself, so finally I say: "Look, your blanket is getting very wet and dirty as it's touching the ground". Like magic the blanket is instantly lifted from the floor, so the key is not telling him what to do but to point something out, to explain a consequence (if you snatch the toy from Mr Baby he will be sad and cry) so he can make the right choice himself, and I have to say that he pretty much always makes a positive one.

Thank you to Martin Zalesny for this beautiful photo of the Lake District in the snow.