Unconditional parenting

Carrying on from an earlier post about challenging traditional discipline methods, I ordered the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and am currently on page 26. I am utterly blown away! This man is talking about the exact same things I have been mulling over for the last few months, if not longer...
He likens the "normal" way we have of disciplining children (Supernanny comes to mind, everyone wants to be in charge like her!) to the same transactional system we have in business/economics where you never get something for nothing but everything must be earned, love included. It sounds harsh but if you think about it in practice it is true, here is an example: he mentions one night when his daughter was being difficult, in the sense that she shouted a lot at them and refused to have her bath. After the storm has passed her parents asked themselves if they should still do the night time routine of cuddles and stories before bed. Traditional methods (or conditional ones) tell us that she needs to be punished as being nice to her will only reinforce her bad behaviour, so if she's put to bed with no cuddles or stories she will behave better next time (assuming that children are naturally bad and that they only behave well if we force them to). Conditional parenting will look beyond the behaviour to the child herself, she is only 4 and a new baby has recently been added to the family, she is upset and cross at her parents as she feels they are no longer being with her as much as she has been used to. The unconditional way (I love you no matter how you behave, I love the person not the actions) is to very much give her cuddles and stories as she desperately needs to know she is still loved but to still mention that her behaviour made things hard for everyone.

12 exercises for mindful parenting

Just as I had nearly given up on my Buddhist practice (well, more put aside really) a really useful discussion was emailed to me from Tricycle magazine (the Buddhist review) about guess what? Staying mindful while looking after children... This was a link I found there, lovely "exercises" to keep mindfulness real and not just as part of a Buddhist practice. http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/mindfulparentingzinn.html

Babywearing rules!!

Well, ok, I'm biased... But the more I think about it (having carried 2 babies in various slings and carriers) the more I see that this is the right thing to do, on forums and listening to parents speak I keep coming across all the problems that we just don't have, like having to put baby to sleep or the endless hours pacing the corridor at night when baby won't go back to sleep or baby not "going down" for naps. Well we just pop little one in the carrier and he falls asleep on his own while we get on with things.

A shining example is right now: mr baby has a temperature due to two teeth coming out at the same time, he woke up and was too unsettled to go back to sleep, he came into bed with us and had cuddles but no way hose. In the end I put him in his carrier and went down to make a cup of chamomile, came to write on this here lovely blog and he's asleep!!! Need I say more? Oh and thank you to the artist who drew this lovely image, I found it online but don't know where it comes from.

Fallen off the cushion

Well I can really and truly say that my Buddhist studies have come to a sad halt... As well as any meditation I was doing. Tired? You bet! Happy? Very much! Has this got something to do with it? As I feel very contented I no longer need Buddhism? For what I have studied and experienced up to now this is a tricky place to be as things are ever changing and my happiness is by no means permanent (well, it could be but we just don't know) wouldn't it be better if I stayed on the Buddha wagon? I read this today and it mirrored my feelings somewhat:

Consumer Culture and Spiritual Practice

Consumer culture is modeled on instant gratification. We say we want a close relationship with a spiritual mentor, but when that mentor’s guidance challenges our desires or pushes our ego’s buttons too much, we stop seeking it. At the beginning of our practice, we profess to be earnest spiritual seekers, aiming for enlightenment. But after the practice has remedied our immediate problem—the emotional fallout of a divorce, grief at the loss of a loved one, or life’s myriad setbacks—our spiritual interest fades, and we once again seek happiness in possessions, romantic relationships, technology, and career.

- Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, "Shopping the Dharma"

Challenging traditional discipline

I've spent a lot of time thinking lately about "traditional" discipline meaning punishments and rewards and how I feel it doesn't really work. In the sense that what we have done is trained our kids to do and not do certain things but would they want to behave in the same way if we were not around? Would they still do it if they didn't get a sticker/treat/whatever reward we give? Are they behaving well for us or for themselves? That is my question...
Coming from a continuum concept/attachment parenting way of seeing things I think that mine is just a natural progression, as my eldest moves through toddlerhood I do hope he is truly deciding for himself what is right and wrong for him. I also hope that I am showing him by example, by what I do and not by what I say. I have ordered a book called Uncoditional Parenting so hope to find out more about how others have done it, I also know there is something called Unschooling which sounds very interesting, lots to find out!