Saturday 27 November 2010
Snow
Mr Toddler couldn't sleep last night so we ended up wandering round the house together at about 4am. We looked out of the window and the world was white, how magical. I picked him up to show him the snow and he shouted IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!
Friday 26 November 2010
Contolling the masses over the centuries
To carry on with the behaviour modification theme, a lovely member of my happy hippie mommies group posted some interesting quotes, I thought I might share (thank you Caroline):
Education should aim at destroying free will so that after pupils are thus schooled they will be incapable throughout the rest of their lives of thinking or acting otherwise than as their school masters would have wished ... The social psychologist of the future will have a number of classes of school children on whom they will try different methods of producing an unshakable conviction that snow is black. Various results will soon be arrived at: first, that influences of the home are 'obstructive' and verses set to music and repeatedly intoned are very effective ... It is for the future scientist to make these maxims precise and discover exactly how much it costs per head to make children believe that snow is black. When the technique has been perfected, every government that has been in charge of education for more than one generation will be able to control its subjects securely without the need of armies or policemen."
Bertrand Russell quoting Johann Gottlieb Fichte, the head of philosophy & psychology who influenced Hegel and others – Prussian University in Berlin, 1810
"To achieve world government, it is necessary to remove from the minds of men their individualism, loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogmas...
Dr. G. Brock Chisholm, psychiatrist and co-founder of the World Federation of Mental Health
The family is now one of the major obstacles to improved mental health, and hence should be weakened, if possible, so as to free individuals and especially children from the coercion of family life."
International Congress on Mental Health, London, 1948
The techniques of brainwashing developed in totalitarian countries are routinely used in psychological conditioning programs imposed on school children. These include emotional shock and desensitization, psychological isolation from sources of support, stripping away defenses, manipulative cross-examination of the individual’s underlying moral values by psychological rather than rational means. These techniques are not confined to separate courses or programs...they are not isolated idiosyncracies of particular teachers. They are products of numerous books and other educational materials in programs packaged by organizations that sell such curricula to administrators and teach the techniques to teachers. Some packages even include instructions on how to deal with parents and others who object. Stripping away psychological defenses can be done through assignments to keep diaries to be discussed in group sessions, and through role-playing assignments, both techniques used in the original brainwashing programs in China under Mao.
Thomas Sowell, writing in Forbes, 1991
Education should aim at destroying free will so that after pupils are thus schooled they will be incapable throughout the rest of their lives of thinking or acting otherwise than as their school masters would have wished ... The social psychologist of the future will have a number of classes of school children on whom they will try different methods of producing an unshakable conviction that snow is black. Various results will soon be arrived at: first, that influences of the home are 'obstructive' and verses set to music and repeatedly intoned are very effective ... It is for the future scientist to make these maxims precise and discover exactly how much it costs per head to make children believe that snow is black. When the technique has been perfected, every government that has been in charge of education for more than one generation will be able to control its subjects securely without the need of armies or policemen."
Bertrand Russell quoting Johann Gottlieb Fichte, the head of philosophy & psychology who influenced Hegel and others – Prussian University in Berlin, 1810
"To achieve world government, it is necessary to remove from the minds of men their individualism, loyalty to family traditions, national patriotism and religious dogmas...
Dr. G. Brock Chisholm, psychiatrist and co-founder of the World Federation of Mental Health
The family is now one of the major obstacles to improved mental health, and hence should be weakened, if possible, so as to free individuals and especially children from the coercion of family life."
International Congress on Mental Health, London, 1948
The techniques of brainwashing developed in totalitarian countries are routinely used in psychological conditioning programs imposed on school children. These include emotional shock and desensitization, psychological isolation from sources of support, stripping away defenses, manipulative cross-examination of the individual’s underlying moral values by psychological rather than rational means. These techniques are not confined to separate courses or programs...they are not isolated idiosyncracies of particular teachers. They are products of numerous books and other educational materials in programs packaged by organizations that sell such curricula to administrators and teach the techniques to teachers. Some packages even include instructions on how to deal with parents and others who object. Stripping away psychological defenses can be done through assignments to keep diaries to be discussed in group sessions, and through role-playing assignments, both techniques used in the original brainwashing programs in China under Mao.
Thomas Sowell, writing in Forbes, 1991
Thursday 25 November 2010
Our PM thinks we don't know what's best for us...
You know when you find out about something and suddenly you realize it's all around you? Like when I found out what the word empirical meant and suddenly it was in every book I read!
Well now that I worked out the link between the behaviourists (and Skinner in particular) and discipline techniques like the ones used by Supernanny (and a lot of schools as well) mainly behaviour modification, Skinner seems to pop up everywere... incredible as he's been dead for over 20 years...
The newest piece of news comes from our lovely coalition government, see link below:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/2010/11/post_1.html
as it seems that Skinner's ideas have been resurrected to better control us, the idea is that there is no point trusting the British people as we don't really know what's good for us, so why not use a few techniques to "nudge" us into the right direction.
Well now that I worked out the link between the behaviourists (and Skinner in particular) and discipline techniques like the ones used by Supernanny (and a lot of schools as well) mainly behaviour modification, Skinner seems to pop up everywere... incredible as he's been dead for over 20 years...
The newest piece of news comes from our lovely coalition government, see link below:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/2010/11/post_1.html
as it seems that Skinner's ideas have been resurrected to better control us, the idea is that there is no point trusting the British people as we don't really know what's good for us, so why not use a few techniques to "nudge" us into the right direction.
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Why do we have all these bedrooms?
I was at the kids' playgroup the other day and was talking to one of the people who run it. He knew that Mr Toddler was having trouble sleeping so asked me how he was doing. I told him we had moved him back into our own bedroom (and don't I feel silly? I read the Continuum Concept a year ago and it's taken me this long to bring the poor boy back in with us...) and that now the four of us are all together.
Instead of commenting on this he said instead: "You know, it makes you wonder why we have all these bedrooms!"
And of course it's true, at the moment my stepchildren sleep together in a double bed in the guest bedroom and my boys are in with us so there's currently two lovely bedrooms which are unused... I suppose it's to do with (supposed) wealth: sleeping together brings to mind poverty and cramped conditions so most of us tend to want to distance ourselves from this, if we all have a bedroom each we must be successful, we must be doing well.
Earlier today I was reading about a study that was conducted amongst the Bangladeshi community in the UK as there seem to be very few cases of cot death (SIDS) amongst them. Of course the vast majority of parents interviewed said they slept with their babies regardless of their financial situation.
One lady, in particular, said: "I like to wake up in the night and see my whole family around me". Isn't that lovely? That's just how I feel.
Instead of commenting on this he said instead: "You know, it makes you wonder why we have all these bedrooms!"
And of course it's true, at the moment my stepchildren sleep together in a double bed in the guest bedroom and my boys are in with us so there's currently two lovely bedrooms which are unused... I suppose it's to do with (supposed) wealth: sleeping together brings to mind poverty and cramped conditions so most of us tend to want to distance ourselves from this, if we all have a bedroom each we must be successful, we must be doing well.
Earlier today I was reading about a study that was conducted amongst the Bangladeshi community in the UK as there seem to be very few cases of cot death (SIDS) amongst them. Of course the vast majority of parents interviewed said they slept with their babies regardless of their financial situation.
One lady, in particular, said: "I like to wake up in the night and see my whole family around me". Isn't that lovely? That's just how I feel.
Buddhist joke
A monk goes to buy a hoover for the monastery, the next day he returns it to the shop, sorry, he says, but we just couldn't keep it: it has too many attachments...
This joke was told to me by a Buddhist when I was also a student of Buddhism so I hope no one gets offended :-)
Monday 22 November 2010
Behaviour modification, surprising discovery!
Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather (or more accurately, my jaw dropped open cartoon style) this afternoon when I was studying a chapter on learning (for my psychology degree) and behaviourism in particular.
I'll give you some background: you know these behaviour modification techniques and ideas that we use to discipline children? Essentially punishments and rewards, Supernanny style. They are used in schools and parents are expected to use them as well, punishment/time outs (naughty steps, being sent to a bedroom) for bad behaviour and rewards (stickers, treats) for good behaviour. So much so that it's now common practice, starting with babies (routines, controlled crying, and so on) as if our children are unruly creatures, not to be trusted, with no sense of good and bad who need to be controlled as much as possible.
Now, I did some reading to find out where this behaviour modification came from, is it scientifically valid? Why do we do it? Does it work? And it all leads back to a man called Skinner, he was an American psychologist, a behaviourist to be more exact (he believed in studying behaviour not inner states as these could not be measured) who ran a number of experiments on animals (rats and pigeons mainly) in the 40s and 50s. He realized that these animals responded to things like punishments and rewards (positive reinforcements) and their behaviour changed: they were more likely to do something if there was a reward and less likely if there was a punishment (rat presses a lever and gets food, he will press the lever next time he's hungry).
Psychologists subsequently used this research (calling it behaviour modification) for cases of children with behaviour and developmental problems (not the average child, the ones with "difficult" behaviour). Now, for some reason these techniques became more and more mainstream until they were used for the majority of children, and from schools this trickled into the home, with parents moving away from a strict authoritarian style to behaviour modification.
Just reading this worried me, we are using techniques on children designed to change the behaviour of rats and pigeons...
And this brings me to my discovery today. I vaguely remember studying this last year and reading that, to the surprise of the scientists involved, punishments didn't really work: if a rat got an electric shock by pressing a lever, he would be less likely to press it in future, but a lot of rats still pressed it. So today I'm reading the chapter again and at the end it says that Skinner himself stated that punishments should not be used (only in very extreme cases), behaviour can only be changed through positive reinforcements. Punishments cause stress, anxiety and anger in the subjects and there is no guarantee that the subject will stop the "bad" behaviour. This is psychology degree coursebook, not a fancy hippie text.
So why are we still doing it?????? Why are we still putting kids on naughty steps or telling them off? Why are we controlling little babies by forcing them to eat and sleep at certain times and, most importantly, why are we using controlling techniques like controlled crying to change the behaviour of babies (if you cry no one will come, if you sleep everyone will be happy with you and give you lots of hugs and positive reinforcements).
I will be doing more reading on this...
Example of "Skinner box" for studying behaviour in rats
I'll give you some background: you know these behaviour modification techniques and ideas that we use to discipline children? Essentially punishments and rewards, Supernanny style. They are used in schools and parents are expected to use them as well, punishment/time outs (naughty steps, being sent to a bedroom) for bad behaviour and rewards (stickers, treats) for good behaviour. So much so that it's now common practice, starting with babies (routines, controlled crying, and so on) as if our children are unruly creatures, not to be trusted, with no sense of good and bad who need to be controlled as much as possible.
Now, I did some reading to find out where this behaviour modification came from, is it scientifically valid? Why do we do it? Does it work? And it all leads back to a man called Skinner, he was an American psychologist, a behaviourist to be more exact (he believed in studying behaviour not inner states as these could not be measured) who ran a number of experiments on animals (rats and pigeons mainly) in the 40s and 50s. He realized that these animals responded to things like punishments and rewards (positive reinforcements) and their behaviour changed: they were more likely to do something if there was a reward and less likely if there was a punishment (rat presses a lever and gets food, he will press the lever next time he's hungry).
Psychologists subsequently used this research (calling it behaviour modification) for cases of children with behaviour and developmental problems (not the average child, the ones with "difficult" behaviour). Now, for some reason these techniques became more and more mainstream until they were used for the majority of children, and from schools this trickled into the home, with parents moving away from a strict authoritarian style to behaviour modification.
Just reading this worried me, we are using techniques on children designed to change the behaviour of rats and pigeons...
And this brings me to my discovery today. I vaguely remember studying this last year and reading that, to the surprise of the scientists involved, punishments didn't really work: if a rat got an electric shock by pressing a lever, he would be less likely to press it in future, but a lot of rats still pressed it. So today I'm reading the chapter again and at the end it says that Skinner himself stated that punishments should not be used (only in very extreme cases), behaviour can only be changed through positive reinforcements. Punishments cause stress, anxiety and anger in the subjects and there is no guarantee that the subject will stop the "bad" behaviour. This is psychology degree coursebook, not a fancy hippie text.
So why are we still doing it?????? Why are we still putting kids on naughty steps or telling them off? Why are we controlling little babies by forcing them to eat and sleep at certain times and, most importantly, why are we using controlling techniques like controlled crying to change the behaviour of babies (if you cry no one will come, if you sleep everyone will be happy with you and give you lots of hugs and positive reinforcements).
I will be doing more reading on this...
Example of "Skinner box" for studying behaviour in rats
I'm not content with GF
Ha ha, this made me laugh... thank you happy hippie mommies (who I pinched it from)!
Saturday 20 November 2010
Difference of opinions online
This is not strictly a "real life" problem as I have never had anyone make nasty comments about my parenting choices to my face, well... the closest we got was when the health visitor told us to put Mr Baby in a cot next to us when I had just said we intended to co-sleep, but I bit my tongue, she was just reciting the official mantra.
The problem I'm having is online, on my baby and child related forums specifically. I belong to a few and I mainly go on Babycentre, my favourite group is Happy Hippie Mommies as all the other members share my views on controlled crying and responsive parenting, some of us are more extreme than others but I have never got into any sort of personal argument with anyone. The problem is the more general groups like my birth club (all babies born February 2010) and the toddler group that I have now left as my posts were being removed without explanation or warning. The issues always seem to be the same: I am against any type of baby training, especially leaving babies to cry alone, but god forbid you should mention this or, even worse, back it up with real scientific research. They bite back like religious fundamentalists who think you have insulted their god, in this case their way of life and cultural beliefs.
All I'm saying is, please step away from what is familiar and just look at the evidence, why do these ladies forget we are animals with genes that are millions of years old, our babies expect to be held as this is what their genes tell them, the poor child crying down the end of the corridor in his room alone is not being naughty or manipulative, he's alone and lost, his brain is telling him that alone he cannot survive so those cries are real anguish.
So here it is, how do I reconcile these ideas with the very different ones I come across? I don't feel like compromising, should I just leave the groups where these issues will come up and stick to the safety of the ones who share my beliefs? I don't know...
The problem I'm having is online, on my baby and child related forums specifically. I belong to a few and I mainly go on Babycentre, my favourite group is Happy Hippie Mommies as all the other members share my views on controlled crying and responsive parenting, some of us are more extreme than others but I have never got into any sort of personal argument with anyone. The problem is the more general groups like my birth club (all babies born February 2010) and the toddler group that I have now left as my posts were being removed without explanation or warning. The issues always seem to be the same: I am against any type of baby training, especially leaving babies to cry alone, but god forbid you should mention this or, even worse, back it up with real scientific research. They bite back like religious fundamentalists who think you have insulted their god, in this case their way of life and cultural beliefs.
All I'm saying is, please step away from what is familiar and just look at the evidence, why do these ladies forget we are animals with genes that are millions of years old, our babies expect to be held as this is what their genes tell them, the poor child crying down the end of the corridor in his room alone is not being naughty or manipulative, he's alone and lost, his brain is telling him that alone he cannot survive so those cries are real anguish.
So here it is, how do I reconcile these ideas with the very different ones I come across? I don't feel like compromising, should I just leave the groups where these issues will come up and stick to the safety of the ones who share my beliefs? I don't know...
Thursday 18 November 2010
Mr Toddler gets a new bed
So what happened? Mr Toddler got a new bed, complete with dinosaur bedding (you can't really get any better than that!) and here he is:
It's in our bedroom so we now are all together. I have to make a confession: all the time he was sleeping in his own room I felt it was somehow wrong. I'd put him to bed, say goodnight and go downstairs, as soon as I'd left him I would feel so sad that he was on his own in the dark, but we had gone through all this silly "training" to get him to sleep all night on his own that it seemed pointless changing things and confusing him all over again.
Well, as I write he is asleep in his big boy bed and Mr Baby is in the same room in our bed, in an hour or so we will also go upstairs and we will all be together, this time it feels right!
Well, as I write he is asleep in his big boy bed and Mr Baby is in the same room in our bed, in an hour or so we will also go upstairs and we will all be together, this time it feels right!
Wednesday 17 November 2010
On my baby and child bookshelf
I was looking at my bookcase and noticed I have a nice selection of baby and child related books, I thought I might share them.
The Continuum Concept's Yequana indians
- The Attachment Parenting book - The Sears (basics for the attached parent and child, very nicely written and very popular)
- The good behaviour book - The Sears (good overview but I still don't agree with some of it, instead of coming up with an alternative is pulls the best out of current discipline methods but still better than most)
- How not to f*** them up - Oliver James (I really enjoyed this book, very very well written)
- They f*** you up - Oliver James (not strictly baby related but a good overview of how our initial years make us who we are)
- Raising boys - Steve Biddulph (good book from a family therapist although I disagree with some of it like keeping boys back a year at school and how dads are there to uphold discipline when mums struggle... really?)
- Raising happy children - Steve Biddulph (again good mainstream book but not that great from an AP/Continuum perspective, he doesn't agree with co-sleeping and states there should be some distance between parents as authority and their children otherwise we won't be respected)
- The secret of happy children (as above)
- A secure base - John Bowly (the originator of the attachment theory, a wonderful psychology book)
- How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - Faber and Mazlish (to be honest I haven't read it yet, bought it to help with older children but not got around to it yet, was highly recommended though)
- The no-cry sleep solution - Elizabeth Pantley (great great alternative to controlled crying)
- Why love matters - Sue Gerhardt (very technical book, don't be fooled by the fluffy title, about brain reactions in babies and why they should never be left to cry)
- The Continuum Concept - Jean Liedloff (one of the most wonderful books I have ever read, totally eye opening, it was like being slapped awake, some of the science bit is a bit dodgy but the description of an idyllic society is just wonderful, I aspire to it)
- Unconditional parenting - Alfie Kohn (another amazing eye-opener of a book, how punishments and rewards don't really work, I had suspected this for a very long time)
- Letting go as children grow - Deborah Jackson (the author of Three in a bed, have not got round to reading this yet but I bought it as I feel I might need it :) I am rather attached to my kids...)
- The diaper free baby - Christine Gross-Loh (wonderful idea, you don't have to do it all the time, shame that I'm a horrible wimp and my kids are still in nappies)
- Baby Led Weaning - Gill Rapley & Tracey Murkett (THE BIBLE OF WEANING!!!! So cross I didn't know this existed with my first child, no more purees, wonderful!!!)
- What every parent needs to know - Margot Sunderland (started quite well, a lot of information about what happens to babies' and children's brains, so more of the responsive parenting approach, I was surprised though at the mention of tantrums and time outs when it got to toddlers, not very unconditional at all...)
- Three in a bed - Deborah Jackson (another wonderful book, mainly about co-sleeping but with a very good section on how the whole baby training business came about)
The Continuum Concept's Yequana indians
Baby training really does not work
From everything I've read and researched it seems clear that trying to train your baby and child like they were pets really does not work in the long run (or the short one... depends what your aims are), we're still using Victorian methods which are based on very non-scientific assumptions, mainly that children need training as soon as possible to make them fit into our society. Children's needs take second place, it is more important to have them "sleep through" preferably in their own room and to be fed "proper balanced" pureed food, of course you have to put them in a pram and cot, god forbid they get too close to you, they'll still want to sleep with you when they're teenagers... Rods for backs enter the equation and so on and so on.
So this brings me to personal experience, our poor Mr Toddler was put in his room at 6 months after having co-slept with us and been carried in a sling (was breastfed till he was 4 months old), looking back I really don't know why I did it... everybody expected me to and as he was my first I guess I just thought that this is what you did, my sister co-slept with all her children and was branded a messy hippie with no rules and kids running wild, so I also wanted to distance myself from this.
The first year was a nightmare, Mr Toddler woke up repeatedly and would not go back to sleep, much rocking and story reading ensued, culminating in an attempt at controlled crying when he was one. None of it worked, he still woke up! When he was about 18 months old he started sleeping better and was happy to go to bed on his own. So you would think that the job was done, baby trained, all sleeping nicely now! Actually no, what happened was that we conditioned him to sleep at a certain time in a certain place, he was doing it because we made him not because he wanted to.
Fast forward to last week, he finally worked out how to get out of his cot...
No more bedtime at 8pm, no more sleeping in his own room... Can we blame him really? He has now decided to do things his way, which mean going to bed when we go (10pm) and sleeping with us. So at this point we will try and undo the early damage and let him sleep where he wants to, we'll put a single bed in our room (last night it was 4 of us in the same bed, a little cramped) and see if he's happy with this, no more child training for us, it comes back to bite you in the end.
So this brings me to personal experience, our poor Mr Toddler was put in his room at 6 months after having co-slept with us and been carried in a sling (was breastfed till he was 4 months old), looking back I really don't know why I did it... everybody expected me to and as he was my first I guess I just thought that this is what you did, my sister co-slept with all her children and was branded a messy hippie with no rules and kids running wild, so I also wanted to distance myself from this.
The first year was a nightmare, Mr Toddler woke up repeatedly and would not go back to sleep, much rocking and story reading ensued, culminating in an attempt at controlled crying when he was one. None of it worked, he still woke up! When he was about 18 months old he started sleeping better and was happy to go to bed on his own. So you would think that the job was done, baby trained, all sleeping nicely now! Actually no, what happened was that we conditioned him to sleep at a certain time in a certain place, he was doing it because we made him not because he wanted to.
Fast forward to last week, he finally worked out how to get out of his cot...
No more bedtime at 8pm, no more sleeping in his own room... Can we blame him really? He has now decided to do things his way, which mean going to bed when we go (10pm) and sleeping with us. So at this point we will try and undo the early damage and let him sleep where he wants to, we'll put a single bed in our room (last night it was 4 of us in the same bed, a little cramped) and see if he's happy with this, no more child training for us, it comes back to bite you in the end.
Monday 15 November 2010
All the pretty little horses
Having a folk moment (well, I don't need much encouragement...), was listening to this wonderful lullaby on one of my kids' cds the other day and decided to find out a bit more, I was in tears when I realized...
Here are the lyrics:
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy you little baby.
When you wake, you shall have cake,
And all the pretty little horses.
Blacks and bays, dapples and greys,
Go to sleepy you little baby,
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy little baby.
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy little baby,
When you wake, you shall have,
All the pretty little horses.
Way down yonder, down in the meadow,
There's a poor wee little lamby.
The bees and the butterflies pickin' at its eyes,
The poor wee thing cried for her mammy.
It was originally sung by an African American slave who could not take care of her baby because she was too busy taking care of her master's child. She would therefore sing this song to her master's child (Lacy 1986, p. 76). Originally, the lyrics were "birds and butterflies, peck at his eyes" but were changed to "birds and butterflies, flutter 'round his eyes" to make the lullaby less violent for younger children. This theory is backed by the reference to "wee little lamby...cried for her mammy" as slaves were often forcibly separated from their own families in order to serve their owners. This verse is in a very different emotional tenor to the rest of the lullaby, suggesting a particular significance. (from Wikipedia)
Also found some great renditions on YouTube
Joan Baez http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ9FDLSI98k
Odetta http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7QXidR_Aks
And this lovely man who dedicates it to his daughter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clqj1j9PrgQ&feature=related
Here are the lyrics:
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy you little baby.
When you wake, you shall have cake,
And all the pretty little horses.
Blacks and bays, dapples and greys,
Go to sleepy you little baby,
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy little baby.
Hush-a-bye, don't you cry,
Go to sleepy little baby,
When you wake, you shall have,
All the pretty little horses.
Way down yonder, down in the meadow,
There's a poor wee little lamby.
The bees and the butterflies pickin' at its eyes,
The poor wee thing cried for her mammy.
It was originally sung by an African American slave who could not take care of her baby because she was too busy taking care of her master's child. She would therefore sing this song to her master's child (Lacy 1986, p. 76). Originally, the lyrics were "birds and butterflies, peck at his eyes" but were changed to "birds and butterflies, flutter 'round his eyes" to make the lullaby less violent for younger children. This theory is backed by the reference to "wee little lamby...cried for her mammy" as slaves were often forcibly separated from their own families in order to serve their owners. This verse is in a very different emotional tenor to the rest of the lullaby, suggesting a particular significance. (from Wikipedia)
Also found some great renditions on YouTube
Joan Baez http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ9FDLSI98k
Odetta http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7QXidR_Aks
And this lovely man who dedicates it to his daughter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clqj1j9PrgQ&feature=related
Saturday 13 November 2010
From the mouth of babes
We were having lunch in a museum cafe today, me, Mr Baby and Mr Toddler who were sharing a cheese sandwich. A lady with a baby older than Mr Baby sat next to us and proceeded to pull out baby food and relative apparatus. Mr Toddler who has never seen me spoon feed Mr Baby (we do baby led weaning) was very interested in the goings on next to us, he finally turned to me and said (rather loudly, the lady next to us definitely heard us): Mummy... what is baby eating? Is is porridge?
Thursday 11 November 2010
Great photography
This is where I shamelessly plug my partner's website, beautiful photography!
http://www.martinzalesny.com/Martin_Zalesny/Welcome.html
http://www.martinzalesny.com/Martin_Zalesny/Welcome.html
Wednesday 3 November 2010
Put to the test
You might be mistaken in thinking that my children (after all I have been writing on unconditional parenting) are the best behaved and loveliest in the world (well... loveliest I suppose they are in the running) so you might get some satisfaction in knowing that all my lovely theories were loudly put to the test this evening.
Supper time comes along and Mr Toddler is blowing bubbles in the kitchen while I cook, I put everything on the tray and go to the dining room announcing that said supper is ready. No Mr Toddler, this is not unusual, he is only 2! So I go and get him and as soon as he comes into the room he spots the pirate box on the table (pirate arts and crafts), I curse myself for not having removed it.
Immediately he shouts I WANT PIRATES! I say yes we'll play with pirates after you have eaten (I actually said this to a 2 year old expecting he would get it?) and of course he runs off crying I WANT PIIIIIIIIRATES!!!
As he eats like a sparrow (a small one at that) I insist that he has some food and that we'll do pirates later, he screams at the top of his voice sounding rather like a loud donkey NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Shall I be honest? My first reaction was to give him my old teacher look and march him off to his bedroom, then all I have read and thought about (and written about in this here blog) kicked in, am I also a 2 year old? Is this tit for tat? It did also dawn on me that he probably wasn't hungry otherwise he would've been eating (it was chicken bits with peas, he loves both) so what did I do? Get down to his level and give him a hug (this really shocked him) and said sit down and I'll see what pirates we can play with. So he sat down, picked up a chicken bit and I tried to find the least messy pirate thing he could play with. We both calmed down, some chicken was eaten (not much, I was right he wasn't hungry) and the pirates were forgotten after about 30 seconds... But it was really hard, so hard to go against your anger and things you have done 1000 times before.
Supper time comes along and Mr Toddler is blowing bubbles in the kitchen while I cook, I put everything on the tray and go to the dining room announcing that said supper is ready. No Mr Toddler, this is not unusual, he is only 2! So I go and get him and as soon as he comes into the room he spots the pirate box on the table (pirate arts and crafts), I curse myself for not having removed it.
Immediately he shouts I WANT PIRATES! I say yes we'll play with pirates after you have eaten (I actually said this to a 2 year old expecting he would get it?) and of course he runs off crying I WANT PIIIIIIIIRATES!!!
As he eats like a sparrow (a small one at that) I insist that he has some food and that we'll do pirates later, he screams at the top of his voice sounding rather like a loud donkey NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Shall I be honest? My first reaction was to give him my old teacher look and march him off to his bedroom, then all I have read and thought about (and written about in this here blog) kicked in, am I also a 2 year old? Is this tit for tat? It did also dawn on me that he probably wasn't hungry otherwise he would've been eating (it was chicken bits with peas, he loves both) so what did I do? Get down to his level and give him a hug (this really shocked him) and said sit down and I'll see what pirates we can play with. So he sat down, picked up a chicken bit and I tried to find the least messy pirate thing he could play with. We both calmed down, some chicken was eaten (not much, I was right he wasn't hungry) and the pirates were forgotten after about 30 seconds... But it was really hard, so hard to go against your anger and things you have done 1000 times before.
Kayan or Kenyah woman with baby in traditional carrier
Thank you to Erwin Bolwidt (El Rabbit)'s photos via Getty Images
Testing limits
Here's another one to go under the microscope! It is widely accepted (by anyone I've spoken to anyway, including my college lecturers) that small children test our limits, in the sense that they behave in a more and more obnoxious manner until we tell them to (or make them) stop. The theory is that what they really want is for us to put them back in their place and restore order, so they feel that their parents are in charge and feel more secure as a consequence.
As you might have guessed I'm beginning to have a problem with this. I agree that small children are not great at regulating their emotions and sometimes need help in calming down when overexcited or upset. But I take this to mean that they want to feel calm again, not to be told off.
I'm looking at my sons as I write and I really don't believe that they have any interest in pushing my buttons just to see what I do, it would imply that they don't trust me, that they have to keep checking that I'm going to look after them properly.
As you might have guessed I'm beginning to have a problem with this. I agree that small children are not great at regulating their emotions and sometimes need help in calming down when overexcited or upset. But I take this to mean that they want to feel calm again, not to be told off.
I'm looking at my sons as I write and I really don't believe that they have any interest in pushing my buttons just to see what I do, it would imply that they don't trust me, that they have to keep checking that I'm going to look after them properly.
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Keep getting in trouble in forums...
Am I particularly insensitive or just very opinionated? I've lost count of the times my posts and sometimes whole threads have been removed by the administrators of the online forums I'm part of. And these seem rather harmless groups, like my birth club group or a toddler group... This last one I had to leave completely as I was getting upset! Even the hippie ones have removed posts of mine...
So what am I doing? Mainly it's about controlled crying, leaving babies to cry for longer periods of time to teach them to go to sleep on their own. We tried this with Mr Toddler and not a day goes by I don't regret it, it's a horrible thing to do to a little kid who needs you so much (and he was over a year old when we did it, some people do it to babies) so I guess I'm very evangelical about it. I have the fervour of the newly converted (to all things unconditional and attachment based) and can be a little insensitive, but I ask myself: why are posts that describe little kids making themselves sick because they've been left to cry ok, why are these not removed? But my critique is apparently offensive, is it not offensive to read about otherwise loving mothers doing this to their kids?
I hope that with the mounting amount of scientific evidence at our disposal, a few years from now this will be seen as a nasty thing of the past, on a par with sending children to workhouses.
So what am I doing? Mainly it's about controlled crying, leaving babies to cry for longer periods of time to teach them to go to sleep on their own. We tried this with Mr Toddler and not a day goes by I don't regret it, it's a horrible thing to do to a little kid who needs you so much (and he was over a year old when we did it, some people do it to babies) so I guess I'm very evangelical about it. I have the fervour of the newly converted (to all things unconditional and attachment based) and can be a little insensitive, but I ask myself: why are posts that describe little kids making themselves sick because they've been left to cry ok, why are these not removed? But my critique is apparently offensive, is it not offensive to read about otherwise loving mothers doing this to their kids?
I hope that with the mounting amount of scientific evidence at our disposal, a few years from now this will be seen as a nasty thing of the past, on a par with sending children to workhouses.
Lily Allen
This is a bit of a departure for me as I don't watch television or have much interest in the world of celebrity (although I love cinema and read magazines) but it was hard to ignore the news that Lily Allen has had a miscarriage at 6 months (is it still a miscarriage so far along?).
This upset me a great deal, I know she had a previous miscarriage a couple of years ago and I once read an interview where she spoke about her feelings regarding this. Having some experience myself as well as having had two successful pregnancies I am just horrified at how she must be feeling. I guess it's hard not to put myself in her place and imagine the pain it would cause.
I don't know what the use of this post is really... just to say that I have been thinking about her a lot and even though I don't know her or all the other women who have miscarriages every day of the week, I wish I could give them all the most enormous hug.
This upset me a great deal, I know she had a previous miscarriage a couple of years ago and I once read an interview where she spoke about her feelings regarding this. Having some experience myself as well as having had two successful pregnancies I am just horrified at how she must be feeling. I guess it's hard not to put myself in her place and imagine the pain it would cause.
I don't know what the use of this post is really... just to say that I have been thinking about her a lot and even though I don't know her or all the other women who have miscarriages every day of the week, I wish I could give them all the most enormous hug.
Tantrums
Well, I've been thinking... this is one area where absolutely all books, resources and advice go in the one direction (apart from unconditional parenting and the continuum concept) and that is: if a child is having a tantrum you must never never ever give in and let the child have what he/she wants, civilisation will come to an end and it will be your fault for being a wimp. Even books like What every parent needs to know which build on a very positive premise of not leaving your babies to cry as it damages their brain then revert to traditional methods when it comes to toddlers and tantrums.
But I'm thinking that the sweet/tv programme/5 more minutes at the park might not be what's really important, I don't distinguish between different types of tantrum (the distressed and manipulating ones) as I don't believe my child is an evil creature put on this earth to misbehave and manipulate me. I think my child is the loveliest person with the best of intentions and that he is in some way distressed or frustrated and needs my help.
An example: the other morning Mr Toddler was woken up early as he had to go out with his dad, he does not sleep very well and is always a bit grumpy in the morning. When it came to get him in the car he started screaming "I want cake" (meaning a mini swiss roll) after having refused breakfast earlier. So if I had followed the conventional or supernanny method I should not have given in because he was screaming at me and not asking politely? Or just produced his toast from earlier and say if you're hungry eat this?
But from the look on his little face I could see that what he was really saying was: mum I feel weird and uncomfortable, I needed more sleep and that is why I wasn't hungry at breakfast, I've been put in the car and don't know why, I'm getting very upset and hungry now, please help me. Not having the language to express this (and would most adults?) he just cried and screamed for cake. Of course I gave him the swiss roll as well as cuddles and kisses (gosh, real bad mum...) and did civilisation come to an end? No, he calmed down and smiled, did he do it again the next morning as I had been such a pushover? No, he had his breakfast as usual and has not asked for cake since!
But I'm thinking that the sweet/tv programme/5 more minutes at the park might not be what's really important, I don't distinguish between different types of tantrum (the distressed and manipulating ones) as I don't believe my child is an evil creature put on this earth to misbehave and manipulate me. I think my child is the loveliest person with the best of intentions and that he is in some way distressed or frustrated and needs my help.
An example: the other morning Mr Toddler was woken up early as he had to go out with his dad, he does not sleep very well and is always a bit grumpy in the morning. When it came to get him in the car he started screaming "I want cake" (meaning a mini swiss roll) after having refused breakfast earlier. So if I had followed the conventional or supernanny method I should not have given in because he was screaming at me and not asking politely? Or just produced his toast from earlier and say if you're hungry eat this?
But from the look on his little face I could see that what he was really saying was: mum I feel weird and uncomfortable, I needed more sleep and that is why I wasn't hungry at breakfast, I've been put in the car and don't know why, I'm getting very upset and hungry now, please help me. Not having the language to express this (and would most adults?) he just cried and screamed for cake. Of course I gave him the swiss roll as well as cuddles and kisses (gosh, real bad mum...) and did civilisation come to an end? No, he calmed down and smiled, did he do it again the next morning as I had been such a pushover? No, he had his breakfast as usual and has not asked for cake since!
Monday 1 November 2010
Final baby carrier stash
I think I have now come to the end of my baby carrier buying, so I'd like to share my "stash" with you, the pictures aren't us though... well there might be one :)
Babyhawk Oh Snap (the same as the one in the picture but with the pattern below)
Babyhawk Mei Tai
Connecta Integra
And... oh well... ok! Here's one of me and Mr Baby in the Connecta this summer 
Babyhawk Oh Snap (the same as the one in the picture but with the pattern below)
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